


Doomed from the Start

by Silver33650



Category: Fortnite (Video Game)
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Bad Ending, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Crack Pairing, End of the World, Explicit Language, Humor, I can't even, I'm Sorry, Inappropriate Humor, Love Triangles, M/M, Meta, NSFW, Other, Satire, Self-Aware Video Game Characters, Sexual Humor, Strangers to Lovers, Swearing, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:40:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26258815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silver33650/pseuds/Silver33650
Summary: Kevin visits Midas after the Device fails. Things escalate. This is 100% satire and supposed to be funny. My friend made a joke and I ended up taking it as a challenge.
Relationships: Midas (Fortnite) / Kevin the Cube (Fortnite)
Kudos: 12





	Doomed from the Start

Once upon a time there was a man who tried to stop the storm with a powerful device. And it worked, until it didn't, and in that brief time between it working and not working, Kevin the Cube appeared in the basement of the Agency. 

"It is I, Kevin, the avatar of darkness, the storm, and subreddit automoderators," he said. "I have come to reap your main character status due to your failed weather machine."

"It's a doomsday device, thank you very much." Midas said. "And you've come to the wrong place, because it worked."

"Not for long, for even now, Ghost is scrambling to undo the damage you've caused. In a few moments, the storm will become a looming wall of water that threatens to flood the entire island." 

"I don't believe you," Midas said, because this was of course nonsense that did not fit with any of the leaks he had heard about the next season. 

"See for yourself."

And so Midas did, and found that Kevin was correct. "Well, it worked until you showed up," Midas said. "But this is still a very important development that I'm sure will endure into future seasons, because my device was called 'doomsday' for a reason."

"Emphasis on _day_ , less on _doom_ ," Kevin scoffed. "This 90 mile water wall isn't even going to last 48 hours." 

"Fuck," Midas said. 

"Perhaps later, for a very limited definition of 'fuck'," Kevin said. 

Midas chose to ignore that comment, because it made him think impure thoughts. "What happens in not-even-48 hours?" he asked instead. 

"The island will flood, and everyone will hate you."

"I don't believe you," Midas said. 

"You should. I know all things, for I exist outside of time and space," Kevin said. "For example, in two seasons from now, your little spy spat will be completely upstaged by the Avengers and nobody will remember you except for your legions of Twitter fangirls and one henchman who plays the saxophone."

"Fuck," Midas said. 

"Also, you will be eaten by a shark."

"Fuck," Midas said. 

"But later, you will get cool armor and team up with the Joker, albeit for no reason but a simple cash grab after Halloween."

Midas considered this. "Continue."

"That's it. That's all I can say, for anything more would upset the loop, release the zero point, and send us all to a black hole for another two days."

"That's fine, if Salty Springs isn't on the next map."

"Every POI is Salty on the next map."

Midas was so angered by this that he decided to show his rage by using the Rage Quit emote, but he had difficulty finding it in his emote wheel since he had recently purchased a great many emotes from the item shop with the thousands of vbucks he had purchased using his great wealth. And this was in the days before the Mega Drop, so it was even more expensive than it is now. However, this had cluttered his emote wheel so much that he accidentally used the Call Me emote in his carelessness. 

Kevin took this as flirting and became excited. "Is now the time that we fuck?" he asked. "I'll have you know that I once turned a lake to a mysterious bouncy substance, which may not be as financially useful as gold, but is much more useful in certain intimate situations."

Midas admired Kevin's sharp corners, and ran his eyes over the glyphs that ran across Kevin's surface. "I would very much like to bounce on you," Midas said. 

"That would be lovely," Kevin said, "except that you will not receive the antigravity effect from bouncing on me and thus any fall you take after a bounce would kill you."

"Fuck," Midas said. "I could try turning you to gold?"

"That doesn't work on me."

"Then I don't think this is going to work."

"But I am very bored being a power plant and need a distraction," Kevin said. "How about you join Shadow, and we can keep trying to figure this out?"

"Done," Midas said. 

And so Midas joined Shadow, but Chaos Agent found out about their relationship and kicked Midas out. After a brief detour where he was eaten by a shark, Midas swam to Steamy Stacks and pounded on the door until Chaos Agent answered. Midas threatened to use the Waterworks emote to flood the map a second time unless he was permitted to see Kevin, but Chaos Agent was also in love with Kevin and turned Midas into a fish so that he could not take Kevin away from him. However, this made Kevin very upset, for he had no hands and thus could not use a fishing rod or a harpoon gun to catch the Midas fish. He then had a meltdown, which made Steamy Stacks explode and destroyed the map, putting an end to the Zero Point and all of reality, and thus Fortnite ended permanently. Except on iOS, where it was still season 3. 

The end. 


End file.
